


Say you love me

by nea_writes



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8015365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nea_writes/pseuds/nea_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the middle of a battle, the Earl’s clown mask falls away, and with it so does Allen’s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say you love me

**Author's Note:**

> Was writing a pacifism AU piece when I got struck with inspiration for this. Angst. Not a happy fic, just the reunion I imagine.

"Mana?"

The clown mask had fallen away, shredded and torn and in pieces on the floor. Around them the sounds of battle muted. His voice had been weak, small. So tiny and afraid.

"M-mana?"

Without any thought he let go of the Sword of Exorcism. It fell with a thunderous clang, echoing in the emptiness of his mind. He took a staggering step forward, the world weighing on his shoulders and dragging him down.

"M-ah-na?" His voice broke, wrenching from his throat in a sob. "Mah-" he choked, swallowing the word back. He took a breath, and another, and sucked in a gasp so fierce it hurt his lungs.

He took another step, dimly aware of his arm reforming, inky and dark. 

"Mah-na?"

Mana was staring at him, eyes wide and horrified, lips drawn back and trembling, hands shaking. Mana sometimes had shaky hands. Said his nerves were bad, and so he would sit on his lap, grasp his hands and smooth each finger out until they settled. 

He could feel his face crumple, his mouth contorting into a grimace and his lips trembling, the tears gathering in his eyes. He blinked them away, uncaring if they fell so long as his vision was clear. 

Someone was talking. Had the battle ended already? He wasn't sure. Mana's eyes were gold, just as he remembered. His hair was smoothed back with those stray hairs that always flustered Mana - _I look like such a kid! Why won't they just stay smoothed back? - I don't know Mana, maybe because you_ are _a kid? - Oh hush, you little brat -_ falling over his forehead. He had the strangest urge to giggle. 

He took another step forward, and it brought him so close to Mana he could see the fine laugh lines stretching from Mana's eyes.

_Oh, I'm so old! Look at these laugh lines! You can always see it in the make-up, now._

_Don't worry old man. No one's looking at your laugh lines - they're too focused laughing at your clumsy self!_

Ah, he thought. They've gotten deeper. That's good. He's been laughing a lot (without me).

Trembling, he rose a hand to reach towards Mana - always taller, so big, he'd never be able to catch up - and, softly, more a whisper of the wind, grazed one stubble lined cheek. 

"Mana," he cried. "Mah-nah, I'm... I-I." He sucked in a breath, let it go, flattened his palm against Mana's cheek and felt the warmth. "Y-you're ah-live.," he sobbed. "Ah-live, a-live, alive." His fingers began to dig into Mana's skin, and so he dropped his hand to grasp the lapel of Mana's shirt, and hung his head to cry.

He rubbed with his other hand, smearing the tears across his face, so he used his palm instead, and that got wet too. Unable to bear it, he looked up to Mana's face again. Mana Mana Mana. Alive alive alive!

His fingers curled into Mana's lapel so tightly he felt the bite of nails in his palm. He cried. 

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, so-sorry I didn't mean to Mana! Mana!"

_Look at me! See me!_

_Don't look past me! Don't see past me!_

_Please, don't see anyone else but me!_

_Just me, only me, for once just me!_

He was crying, openly sobbing, and he couldn't hear anything except for Mana's breathing, feel it under his aching hand, but he knew he was senselessly babbling, saying anything and everything and between every word a steady mantra of - _Mana, Mana, Mana, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, please, Mana._

"Stop."

His voice, warm and familiar like a long-forgotten dream, ripped him from his hysteria and he met Mana's gold eyes. 

_"Stop._ I'm not him! I'm not!" Mana said, eyes still wide and lips still trembling. He was shaking. "Stop saying I'm him! Stop calling me that! Get _away_ from me!" He grasped his hand, dug his nails in so that it hurt, and wrenched it away from his lapel, throwing Allen a few feet back with the force.

Allen stumbled back, caught himself, still watching Mana. Never would he tear his gaze away, look away, be distracted again. Never, never. The moment he was gone from Allen's eyes, he'd disappear. 

"Mana?" 

"Stop saying that!" Mana thundered, holding his temples, digging his fingers into his hair, tears building in his eyes. Oh no, oh no, he'd made Mana cry. When would he learn? He could wait, he had all the time. Yes, just like old times. Just a little different. 

He smiled. "I'm sorry, I forgot myself." Ah, there were more tears. He wiped them away, and when that didn't work, tried to stop them. "Earl, can you forgive me?"

"Forgive you?" Mana asked, child-like and hurt. Stupid Allen. Stupid stupid boy. Look at what you did. 

"Yes, forgive me?" He smiled charmingly, hoping the left over tears wouldn't detract from the effect. "I must've hit my head." Forgive me, forgive me. I'm sorry.

"Hit your head?"

"Yes. Must've made me confused. I thought -" his breath hitched "- you were someone else. Someone I-" he pressed his lips together to hold back a sob. "Someone I-"

"Someone..." Mana murmured. "Someone... you loved?"

Allen stopped breathing, met Mana's gold eyes. "Yes. Someone I loved. Someone who I loved above anyone else," he said, staring at Mana's familiar features. "Above everyone else. Above myself." _I love you._

_Say you love me, please._

Mana shook his head. "Don't look at me like that." 

Allen winced, drawing back. "I'm sorry," he said. 

"I'm not him!" Mana yelled, stumbling back, shaking his head back and forth. "I'm not him!" Suddenly, Wisely was there, grasping Mana's arm, and jealousy flared within Allen. 

"Don't touch him!" Allen snapped, surging forward to rip Wisely's hand away. He stopped short when Mana flinched, and all anger drained from him, leaving behind agonizing dread. Wisely watched him warily, hands wrapping around Mana's arm once more, and slowly Wisely pulled him closer. Beneath them, purple shimmered into waves, a door opening. Allen stared at it blankly, then realized what it meant.

_No._ No, no, he couldn't leave him, couldn't abandon him again. He stepped forward, knees jerking suddenly and almost giving out on him, stretching his hand out towards Mana. 

"Don't leave me!" He cried, meeting Mana's gaze. Gold eyes wide and shining with tears, no smile no laughter. _Look at what you did. You hurt him._ "Please, don't leave me!"

Wisely gave him a pitying gaze, and then vanished with Mana. 

"No!" He stumbled onto his knees, grasping the floor with his hands, ripping off his gloves when they impeded him and banging his fisted hands on the ground. "No!" He howled. 

"Allen! Allen! Allen, stop!" Someone was grabbing him, pulling him away, and he whirled, hand lashing out. 

"Let go of me!" He yelled, and he felt Lenalee's cheek give under his hand, felt the force of it snap her head to the side. He fell backwards, staring horrified as Lenalee tenderly brought her hand up to touch her cheek. His chest felt tight, his stomach lined with iron and filled with dread. "No, Lenalee, I..."

He swallowed, and watched as Lenalee slowly turned to face him, meeting his gaze. Her cheek was reddening, her eye smarting with tears, and Allen felt like scum. As if that had finally wrenched him from his state, he was suddenly aware that the battle _had_ stopped, everyone watching him warily. All around him Exorcists and Noah stood in decimated buildings in a desolate town, staring at him. 

"I..." he began, stopped. He turned around, staring at the spot Mana had disappeared from. Could he find him? Could he use the ark to send him to where Mana was? Could his ark board the other? Could he step into Road's domain? Could he-

"Beansprout!" Kanda thundered, and Allen whipped around to find Kanda storming towards him. Hastily, Allen stood, avoiding Lenalee's searching gaze, but Kanda was too quick and grabbed Allen's collar, yanking him onto his toes. "What the fuck was that?"

"What?" Allen asked, feeling light-headed.

"I _asked,"_ Kanda said, voice dripping with disdain. "What the _fuck was that?!"_

"I-" Allen began again, swallowed. _I don't know what to say. I don't want to say. I don't want anyone to know._

_Allen,_ Mana's voice echoed. _People like it better when you smile. See? We get free bread when we smile, so smile for me, Allen._

He was shaking so hard Kanda placed a hand on his shoulder, and the fierce glare in his eyes softened. "What happened?" He asked, voice no less stern but no longer yelling.

"'m sorry," Allen said, feeling the tears start again. He met Lenalee's gaze over Kanda's shoulder, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."

"Allen," she whispered, voice soft, and he shook his head harder. "Allen, what happened? Who... who is Mana?"

It sounded terrible, to hear someone else say Mana's name. Only Cross had ever said it to him. 

He wanted to twist and stare at the spot Mana had disappeared from, but Kanda's grip was fierce, and so he settled for dropping his stare to the cross pendant on Kanda's uniform. "Mana... Mana was my adoptive father. He adopted me." _He saved me. I turned him into an akuma._

"That was the Earl," Kanda said bluntly, and Allen looked up at him. 

"That was Mana," Allen said, voice hard and eyes narrowed. "I'd know him anywhere, that was _Mana."_

Kanda shook his head  and stepped back, letting go of Allen. Immediately Allen turned to look at the space behind him. He was gone. Could he find him? Maybe... if he used Neah, he could call the Earl to him and meet Mana again. He needed to see him, needed to know what had happened. Had Allen not cursed him after all? Had Allen not betrayed him?

"Allen," Lenalee called, and he turned to face her. She looked pensive, her cheek slowly swelling, and Allen felt guilt as black as night crawling inside him. "The way you called for him... it was..."

_Pitiful._

_Disgraceful._

_Desperate._

_Agonizing._

Allen knew full well what he sounded like. It probably sounded like what he felt like. He slid his eyes back to that agonizingly empty space. 

"Allen, you... you won't do anything without thinking it through, right? Nothing crazy, right?"

Allen couldn't tear his eyes away from that space, felt compelled to stare it down and somehow will Mana back into existence. 

"I'm not sure." 

_I'd do anything for you, just please say you love me._


End file.
